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One joke if by land, two jokes if by me...

Listen, this is not really for me to write down here but I just saw Bob Newhart on t.v. and he told these two jokes and maybe they will get you across your day or the ocean. So keep reading.

1) I’ve been dating this woman. She works for a magician who saws her in half every night.

Tonight, with my luck, I’ll get the half that eats.

2) So this married guy is having an affair and he’s off on a fling – in the throws of passion – and the woman says, “Kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss me!” and he says, “Kiss you?! I shouldn’t even be doing this!”

I heard Penn Jillette (of Penn and Teller) interviewing Phyllis Diller and I really felt outside. Phyllis Diller! Deep comedy. Maybe even Steep Comedy.

That’s it.

Until the future,

The Break Up

June 4, 2006

Today I went outside to go to the store and a found a dead baby bird on the ground outside of the gate to my door. The rains from the last few days must have knocked it out of its nest and it was so young and undeveloped that it just died. It was tiny and kind of gray, almost transparent. It had a little beak and its eyes were closed. It had no feathers, just a kind of jelly-looking clear-gray skin and little curled arms with claws and skin flaps instead of wings. It was so little. It was so young that it wasn’t even a living thing. When I looked at the dead bird lying there I felt sick and terrible because it looked like flesh to me and it reminded me of this one time when I bit into a chicken nugget at a fast food place and it was still uncooked in the middle and it was raw and chewy and gray and fleshy. The bird looked a lot like that and it made me feel as though I had just bitten it.

I scooped if up with a piece of cardboard torn from a pizza box in my recycling pile. I wanted to move it because flies were eating it and it was sad and gross and I didn’t want to forget and step on it and I was worried that our neighbor’s dog would eat it and get sick. I dropped it on the way to the trash at the corner and it fell on the sidewalk. It had taken me a while to scoop the bird up onto the cardboard in the first place because it was so mushy and little so when it fell I just stooped down and scraped it off of the curb at the edge of the sidewalk, into the street. Now I feel bad about that.

Maybe this weirdness is because I saw ‘The Break Up’ (Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn) yesterday. That movie kind of sucker punched me. I mean, it seemed like a safe one but it kind of tickled my pickle and then sat me down in the end. It left me feeling like someone had just dumped me or like I had one last chance to make it work with someone who I loved dearly but who was falling in love with someone else and I absolutely needed it to work out but kind of new it wouldn’t. Crap, man… Jennifer Ani, Vinnie V, a dead bird and me: what an odd and uncomfortable weekend. Still, I like living here in New York. That’s what I decided last night.


Sanka Coffee

‘Cool Runnings’ is no Disney Movie. I mean, yeah, it is but it’s no ‘Stella Got Her Groove Back’. Jamaican bobsledding team, boxcart specialist named Sanka Coffee, and a bald Jamaican dude named “Yul Brynner” not to mention a lil’ dude they call “Junior”. Shit hell, who says the mouse is racist? This film is a cultural dirty bomb so either the mouse ain’t the KKK (as we all know he is) or “Cool Runnings” ain’t a disney movie. Wait a second, maybe these characters are not real portrayals of caribbean culture…
Naw, this must just be a Lion’s Gate film. Gee, how many government tracking alarms will the text in this note set off?

Oh, can’t forget about the reggae version of the Talking Heads’ “Wild Wild Life”

There’s also always the sequel: “White Out” from the former Miramax studios!!!

Did I tell you that I cried? The sadness of life might try to crush the human spirit but the Jamaican bobsled team will take it for a ride.

-Jane & John Candy